Woman Jokes
See newly submitted jokes at bottom of page!
Question: What do you call a blonde that lost 90% of her intelligence?
Answer: Divorced
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*** Webmaster note: I particularly like this one!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
name: Depraved Indifferance Enterprises
city/state: North Carolina
Q; Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A; Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Q; Why can't you trust a woman?
A; How can you trust anyone that bleeds for a week and lives.
There are three rings to marriage.
1. the engagement ring
2. the wedding ring
3. the suffering
name: dportersmith
city/state: Indy
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
Q. Why did cavemen drag women by their hair?
A. Because when they dragged them by their feet, they filled up with mud.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, you already told the bitch twice!
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job from your wife?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None, it better be open when she brings it to you.
name: brian
city/state: little rock, arkansas
Tale of Woe: Did You Hear About The Blonde Who...
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope...
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter...
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out...
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button...
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
Burned her nose bobbing for french fries...
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125...
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel...
Got hurt while raking leaves -- She fell out of the tree...
Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"...
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms..
Always went 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech' at a flashing red light..
Was are trying to get into her car using a coat hanger. She was in a hurry because it was starting to rain and the top is down
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